Financially, spiritually, relationally and practically I have had to face challenges that seemingly where coming from all areas of my life over the last year or so. Realizing that staying in my current situation would be easier and not necessarily the most beneficial is difficult, its scary. Staring at an unknown future and unknown results of the decisions being made generated a large amount of fear. Fear is the simply emotion that we all have and experience. It is the unpleasant emotion that someone or something is dangerous, or is likely to cause us pain or be a threat. People all over the world are stifled by fear in one way or the other. People's fear ranges from one extreme to the other. Each case holds the same level of compassion, love and courage needed to overcome. Some fear is generated from horrific ordeals and situations that were inflicted by force or some fear is the result of phobias and anxieites from experiences that caused pain, discomfort or distrust. Either way fear is real and the fear of change is as very real.
How does fear of change tie into pornography addiction or unwanted sexual desires? For most of us who have dealt with struggles, addictions or compulsions that are sexual in natural the first contact or exposure was years before it was identified as a problem. In my personal experience and experience in mentoring men most individuals who are struggling as an adult with sexually related addictions the origin of this addiction was as a child. Sometimes as far back as 5 or 6 years old. Take me for example, I was 11 / 12 years old when I first viewed pornography in the form of a magazine. At the time of exposure there were things going on in my live and situations I was attempting to process in my under developed understanding of the world around me. Porn became a quick draw because it was accepting, it was easy and it was satisfying if only for moments. What started out as a curiosity quickly became a compulsion. I started to seek porn out in any form possible. Sunday ads became a place of distraction with lingerie ads. My parents family room in the back of the house became a room of worship late at night when some cable networks switched from typically programming of movies to a type of soft-core porn. Our first household computer become a luring device that when no one was home in moments I was using the dial-up modem to find porn. This would become a frequent atmosphere for me for years to come. A dark room only illuminated by either the light of the a digital screen or a dimly lit strip club.
For twenty years my life would include porn in some form or fashion. For most of those years I approached it with the 'boys will be boys' low expectations mantra. Porn and over sexualization has been somewhat sanctioned in our world as acceptable behavior and cultural norms. Its perfectly accepted for boys, grown men, married men and women to access porn and to take it a step further to participate in utilizing people as a commodity for self pleasure. I won't get into the ends and outs of how porn and the over sexualization of our culture, the media, entertainment, and celebrities our world idolizes in twisted forms of worship by throwing resources at these individuals has contributed. This is a whole other conversation. What I will stay on point about is that we, men have accepted the norm, a baseline for our sexual behavior that is horribly distorted.
Fear of change is intense. When I decided to step out of one lifestyle that was causing pain, anxiety, depression and a whole lot of other issues within my marriage, I felt a whole other slate of emotions when I decided step away from drugs and alochol. This emotions included isolation, loneness and frustration because once you leave something you are a part of for some many years, something that has defined you, that has shaped you and you take a stand and go against the seemingly acceptable behavior - you instantly isolate yourself. People leave you that you thought were true friendships, you relationships are reshaped or just dissipate. With porn addiction, wow; that is a whole other animal. When I started to take an active stance in my personal life and pursue help in my porn addictions it was down right frightening. My surface level porn; the stuff I was willing to say out load, was nothing compared to the stuff I was keeping secret. The secret, dark, twisted person I became when no one was around; when my mind was running with sexual curiosities down some demented Alice and Wonderland rabbit hole was truly freighting.
Fear of change is real and cripples people into doing nothing. How many times have you tried to change something that has been apart of you for so long. Doesn't have to be porn it can be anything. Habits or lifestyle or eating habits that you pinpointed as something that needed to change but when you started down the road of change you where overwhelmed with fear, anxiety or laziness. When Jesus said "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me" (Matthew 16:24). Jesus words are unmistakable. The fear of the brutality of the moment had to overtake the disciples. They truly knew what crosses were. Not the little trinkets and silver charms we were around as jewelry or tattoos. The cross was an instrument of execution, pain and humility.
Jesus calls us all. Everyone one of us no matter who you are, what your are doing or what you believe. We are just all in different places and different points on that call. Fear drives us to that call. Jesus says "if". He doesn't take it for granted that we will be willing to follow. God is looking for a free-will relationship. Shame is the fundamental false belief that you are defective, or worthless at the core of your being. Guilt is focused on behavior of making a mistake. Shame takes us to some dark places. Shame is lies that are deeply rooted in us that are there for so long that we begin to believe they are true. Shame is not permanent and you can be free. But we must break through the fear. The fear to change.
The first step to overcoming fear is to step out. Practically for me that looked like going to trusted individuals that I knew had experience some level of freedom and track history. For me it was with XXXChurch and my group leader, then as I built more relationships it was the guys in the group. It is so hard to imagine yourself without something you have had for so long. Everyone who is addicted to something goes through this at some level. Imagining your life without that thing. For me to imagine my life without porn was overwhelming.
If you feel convicted or there is something stirring in you about you porn usage or some other sexual stronghold - pray about next steps. Pray about who to involve. Who to talk with. Then take that step. The most important guidance I have learned over the years is that this is my cross to bare, my addictions I have overcome. No man is going to heal me. But Jesus Christ is right there wanting to walk with us. If you have no relationship with Jesus Christ then maybe thats were you need to start. What you don't need to do is let fear rob you of anymore time. God wants a relationship, he is not a bully and will not enslave you. God's love is right there. That conviction, that awareness that something needs to change may just be God speaking to you; speaking to you about your most desperate prayers that you have had with him in those moments of your most shameful acts.
Please reach out if you would like to talk further about this entry. OR if this stirs you and causes thought then reach out.
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For twenty years my life would include porn in some form or fashion. For most of those years I approached it with the 'boys will be boys' low expectations mantra. Porn and over sexualization has been somewhat sanctioned in our world as acceptable behavior and cultural norms. Its perfectly accepted for boys, grown men, married men and women to access porn and to take it a step further to participate in utilizing people as a commodity for self pleasure. I won't get into the ends and outs of how porn and the over sexualization of our culture, the media, entertainment, and celebrities our world idolizes in twisted forms of worship by throwing resources at these individuals has contributed. This is a whole other conversation. What I will stay on point about is that we, men have accepted the norm, a baseline for our sexual behavior that is horribly distorted.
Fear of change is intense. When I decided to step out of one lifestyle that was causing pain, anxiety, depression and a whole lot of other issues within my marriage, I felt a whole other slate of emotions when I decided step away from drugs and alochol. This emotions included isolation, loneness and frustration because once you leave something you are a part of for some many years, something that has defined you, that has shaped you and you take a stand and go against the seemingly acceptable behavior - you instantly isolate yourself. People leave you that you thought were true friendships, you relationships are reshaped or just dissipate. With porn addiction, wow; that is a whole other animal. When I started to take an active stance in my personal life and pursue help in my porn addictions it was down right frightening. My surface level porn; the stuff I was willing to say out load, was nothing compared to the stuff I was keeping secret. The secret, dark, twisted person I became when no one was around; when my mind was running with sexual curiosities down some demented Alice and Wonderland rabbit hole was truly freighting.
Fear of change is real and cripples people into doing nothing. How many times have you tried to change something that has been apart of you for so long. Doesn't have to be porn it can be anything. Habits or lifestyle or eating habits that you pinpointed as something that needed to change but when you started down the road of change you where overwhelmed with fear, anxiety or laziness. When Jesus said "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me" (Matthew 16:24). Jesus words are unmistakable. The fear of the brutality of the moment had to overtake the disciples. They truly knew what crosses were. Not the little trinkets and silver charms we were around as jewelry or tattoos. The cross was an instrument of execution, pain and humility.
Jesus calls us all. Everyone one of us no matter who you are, what your are doing or what you believe. We are just all in different places and different points on that call. Fear drives us to that call. Jesus says "if". He doesn't take it for granted that we will be willing to follow. God is looking for a free-will relationship. Shame is the fundamental false belief that you are defective, or worthless at the core of your being. Guilt is focused on behavior of making a mistake. Shame takes us to some dark places. Shame is lies that are deeply rooted in us that are there for so long that we begin to believe they are true. Shame is not permanent and you can be free. But we must break through the fear. The fear to change.
The first step to overcoming fear is to step out. Practically for me that looked like going to trusted individuals that I knew had experience some level of freedom and track history. For me it was with XXXChurch and my group leader, then as I built more relationships it was the guys in the group. It is so hard to imagine yourself without something you have had for so long. Everyone who is addicted to something goes through this at some level. Imagining your life without that thing. For me to imagine my life without porn was overwhelming.
If you feel convicted or there is something stirring in you about you porn usage or some other sexual stronghold - pray about next steps. Pray about who to involve. Who to talk with. Then take that step. The most important guidance I have learned over the years is that this is my cross to bare, my addictions I have overcome. No man is going to heal me. But Jesus Christ is right there wanting to walk with us. If you have no relationship with Jesus Christ then maybe thats were you need to start. What you don't need to do is let fear rob you of anymore time. God wants a relationship, he is not a bully and will not enslave you. God's love is right there. That conviction, that awareness that something needs to change may just be God speaking to you; speaking to you about your most desperate prayers that you have had with him in those moments of your most shameful acts.
Please reach out if you would like to talk further about this entry. OR if this stirs you and causes thought then reach out.
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