Long Road - Part 4, The Resistance

"Haters gonna hate." A phrase that I have adopted over the years meaning that I make an attempt not to let others’ opinions ultimately affect me when dealing with my journey; my faith journey. Back in the day, the phrase was used to justify and protect actions that were looked down on by the general public. But here is a hard truth, haters are on both sides of the cross. Meaning I had haters before I chose to follow Christ and after. 

I have had to grow some thick skin over the years because of reactions to some of the decisions I have had to make to not drink or socialize as I did previously, before proclaiming my faith (check out Hangover to Jesus for the whole story).  Why? Because when I made the decision not to drink, smoke, hang out all hours of the night, put myself in compromising social situations or participate in drugs I started a ripple effect. The ripples crashed on the shore of others’ expectations of me, causing frustration, and irritation for some. The ripples were felt in the workplace, in my marriage, and in my social circles. People around me weren't intentionally acting out of those emotions, but they just didn't understand. Suddenly, you have nothing in common with a person that you seemingly knew for years. I think most of the awkwardness is from being surprised, caught off guard and understandably confused.  It is literally like you are speaking a different language that they cannot understand. Especially if Christ is at the center of your recovery. And those closest to us are the most affected by it.  My wife and I had to learn all over again how to interact with each other without the influences of some chemical induced emotional state. We also learned that friendships would be strained by our decisions. In most cases, we had to end relationships or limit interaction with some who were detrimental to my recovery; to our recovery in our marriage. Mostly, because they just didn't understand why. Why would we just stop? The truth was more intimate and confusing for me, and for us as a married couple. Intimate because we had this shared experience with the Holy Spirit at the Salvation Army in Waco (read Hangover to Jesus for the whole story) that we couldn't completely explain at the time. It was like one of those "you had to be there" stories. Confusing because I was navigating newfound loneliness and separation from what I had considered a large part of my existence. My wife and I spent a lot of nights just being with each other, which isn't a bad thing. But, to go from a highly socialized situation to just us two, things naturally changed and were often challenging. I am fortunate and blessed. God placed an incredible woman in my life, Tabby - my wife. She supported me, encouraged me, and pushed me in ways that would help me see the forest, not just the trees.

When you make a choice to change, to take a leap of faith, to truly engage God in your life - the resistance will come. It is part of the "long road out of hell." Unfortunately, this resistance often comes from those closest to us (spiritual warfare is also a major contributor to resistance, more on that in a later blog). I can't tell you how many times I had some of the closest people in my life ask me if "I was still not drinking?" How many people would make comments like "you still not smoking weed?" "How long are you going to be sober?" My response would be "as long as I can" or "forever." People just didn't get it, and they didn't need to get it. While some were proud and giving the "...that's cool" or "I only drink on weekends" responses, they just didn't understand why, and they didn't need too. It was my conviction, my journey; not theirs. Again, most people were acting out of misunderstanding, awkwardness or ignorance, and some out of deep convictions they themselves had but ignored.

Nehemiah, a man convicted and deeply passionate about rebuilding the wall in Jerusalem, is ridiculed by a couple of "haters", Tobiah and Sanballat. At first, they were confused about the decisions Nehemiah was making. However, it quickly turns to mock and ridicule when they realize Nehemiah isn't playing around. This isn't some weekend project. He is committed. In chapter 4 of the Book of Nehemiah, Nehemiah overcomes the discouragement. How? First, in prayer, he asks God for help, and when they placed their fear in the hands of God they found the resilience to push forward. As Sanballat speaks negatively about the types of materials the Jews were using and Tobiah makes comments in earshot of the wall builders attempting to sway them with scoffing remarks, they simply keep pushing forward. In other words, they "shake the haters off."

Dr. Brene Brown writes in her book 'The Gift of Imperfections',

"Without exception, spirituality - the belief in connection, a power greater than self, and interconnection grounded in love and compassion - emerged as a component of resilience."

She goes on to say that three patterns emerged out of her research of resilience: cultivating hope, practicing critical awareness and letting go of numbing and taking the edge off vulnerability, discomfort, and pain. Making a decision to stop drinking, doing drugs and ending relationships with people who are detrimental to recovery is vital to sobriety. Now think about the challenge of pornography addiction recovery? Many men and a growing number of women are losing hope and are overcome with the feeling of being powerless against its lure. While some deny that there is an addiction with pornography, many sit in addiction cycles that never reach the light of day. Porn addiction is the very essence of 1 Peter 5:7-9, "...that enemy of yours, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." 

Creating resilience is essential to overcome the vices that hinder us and prevent us from truly experiencing God for ourselves. From starting on a path to a truly authentic, life-changing relationship with God. How do you build resilience in your addiction battle? Even with the very best desires, we can be reluctant to do the work of building boundaries, setting realistic goals, and believing in our selves. Why? We aren't prepared to battle, and we minimize the fact that with addictions it is truly a battle that will have wins and losses, some worse and more profound than others. We are all at different stages of the battle. Some of us need to enter the battle. Others need to honestly tell someone trustworthy about the addiction or stronghold. Then there are those who need to really answer the question, do you want to stop? Seriously? Lastly, we need to remind ourselves of Jesus' words to a man who he invited to be a disciple in Matthew 8:22. "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead." This man sadly walked away from an invitation to be a disciple of Jesus Christ. Jesus is not being harsh but pushing a gut check moment. Those closest to us will at times be our biggest "haters". Whether it is deciding to not see a certain movie or go to an event. When honoring the boundaries, you build resilience but you will also be resisted. Jesus reminds us that he is calling us to walk with him, not make excuses for worrying about the dead. Or in other words, "shake the haters off" and walk with Jesus. 

Not sure what to do next? Have an addiction or need some practical guidance? Reach out to me at gerald@bebravebefree.org or go to www.bebravebefree.org for more information. 

Image Source: https://pixabay.com/photos/black-white-modern-home-chess-20264/

Long Road - Part 3, Alone I Break

To obtain true freedom from addiction; to experience real change a person must own who they are. Not accept it as an identity but own what they have done, experienced, participated in and seen. There are so many lies that float around within our minds about who we are that are fed to us from various sources every day. There are many men and women who ended their lives way too early, in part, because of the lies fed to them, lies they believed and at some point accepted as identity. I believed those lies at one point myself. While it is an oxymoron, I believed those lies more when I made the decision to change my life, to walk away from participation in drugs and alcohol. When I stood at the Salvation Army Church in Waco, Texas raising my hand in acceptance of Jesus Christ. The lies overwhelmed me each day. During the daily, hourly, minute by minute battle to walk in truth and transparency - the lies of being filthy, perverted, worthless, addicted, unworthy, unqualified and out of place began to become my truth in my own mind. My dependence on drugs, alcohol and other risky behaviors was bred out of lies. Lies that I believed, fear that I carried for years, confusion of who and what God was; but nothing compared to the lies that were directed at me when I became aware of an addiction to pornography.

The disciples in Matthew 16 are asked by Jesus, "Who do the people say the son of man is?" After a long answer that I am sure was the best they could come up with; he points the question directly at them, the men who were closet to him, the disciples. "Who do you say I am?" Peter boldly states, "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God." This is the "real" truth. This interaction with the disciples comes on the heels of the Pharisees wanting to test Jesus and treat him as some sideshow "Bob" by asking for signs and tricks. He asks the disciples who do the people say I am first, not because he is curious, but because he already knows. When he rephrases the question and directs it personally at the disciples. "Who do you say I am?", it is a teaching moment. We, along with the disciples, learn that it is one thing to hang out with Jesus because of what other people think, but it is entirely something else to be with Jesus because of what we, personally, think/believe. The reason I bring this into this conversation is to point out the "real" truth concerning addictions. Whether it be drugs, pornography or whatever, addictions are being used to escape. To escape from the emotions of feeling unwanted, alone or less than; or suppressing past hurts and pains, or feeling selfish or owed something - we are running from something to something. What Jesus is doing in the heart of this conversation is challenging the very men who have been walking with him to see the "real" truth when he asks, "Who do you say I am?"

Jonathan Davis and Brian Welch of Korn wrote a song called Alone I Break. The lyrics are intense and hard to listen to once you realize their meaning. Music was and still is huge for me as a tool to process feelings, emotions and just clear my head. The song Alone I Break hits home for me, and I imagine for a lot of us, especially those in the midst of faith crises or battling secret addictions. One section, in particular of the song, really encapsulates the battle when faced with an addiction:

Am I going to leave this place?

What is it I'm hanging from?

Is there nothing more to come?

Am I going to take its place?

Am I going to leave this race?

I guess God's up in this place?

What is it that I've become?

Is there something more to come?

The battle becomes fiercest when we make a choice to take action and actively battle that which is enslaving us. Pornography is a drug like no other. It is widely accepted, widely mocked and is culturally saturated in every area of our life. We must be most careful when we are alone because we will break if we do not know who God is to us. I accepted Jesus Christ because of what those around me believed, what other's testimonies revealed but I didn't know Jesus first hand. If I was in the group and Jesus Christ asked me "Who do you say I am?", I would have stuttered and stumbled to figure out the right answer in an attempt to make those around me believe that I was "saved." The lies are so powerful when we are battling addictions mostly because we are still trying to define our relationship with Jesus. While when the churchgoer, Christian says "just pray, accept Jesus in your heart and you will be healed" can sometimes be true, it is not a reality for most of us. Most of us walk in and out of vices, white-knuckling our way through our triggers in an attempt to be healed while trying to walk, talk and act a certain way to be perceived as healed or saved already.

Healing starts with who you say Jesus Christ is in your life. Who is God to you? When I was leading a small group of teenage guys in a weekly bible study and doing all the right things I thought I was saved. I thought that I was okay even though I was really good at hiding my secret addiction to porn. When I was alone, I was breaking, wondering what I had become and if there was indeed something more to come. There was a lot more to come, but I had to get honest with myself and with those trusted individuals around me. I had to answer the question, "Who do you say I am?" 

When you are alone, breaking, sweating, just wanting to not screw up wondering if there is more. Wondering if you will ever taste true freedom write the question down - "Who do I say Jesus Christ is?" You need an answer to this question, its why Jesus asked it. He had a group of men who had decided to say "yes" we know what people have said about you, but he needed them to be challenged with who they believed He was before moving forward. You must know who Jesus is to you because in those moments of crisis, those moments where you feel the furthest from your true self when lies are coming from all directions it matters who you say Jesus Christ is to you. 

There is so much more to life than struggling through addictions and faith crises. Do you want to learn more about mentoring, about what walking in true freedom looks like, what actively battling really looks like? If so, reach out to me at Be Brave Be Free. Also, check out my book for more of my story of redemption through the most uncommon of ways, Hangover to Jesus.

Photo by Dmitry Ermakov on Unsplash