Identifing Roots

The reality is that when death occurs around us it reminds us of our own mortality. The fact that we are utterly out of control, bouncing around the world attempting to make sense of what is to come. What we cannot control. When I was around 12 years old or so I was faced with several deaths around me that were within our family. It may had been earlier then 12 years old but I remember being consumed with the reality of death. If I am honest, the thought still haunts me at times, challenges me. The idea that you are here one moment and gone the next is a insane thought. A thought that can drive anxiety and throttle fear into a place that is paralyzing. Some of you may know this feeling. When I was a young adult I was neck deep into a lifestyle that was completely out of control and yet was so seemingly controlled by me. I was intrigued by the occult, why? Because it seemed to be a instance gratification of something powerfully interacting with me all the while sharing these experiences with a few others. When you have shared experiences with other people and they have the same experiences it is a source of vaildation. There are experiences that I have had with some people during this time in my life that no one outside of us would even believe. But we experienced them. Was it evil? For the most part, yes. Was it real, I think so. I had started dabbling in the occult (of course that is not what I called it at the time) when I was around 16 or 17 years old  (maybe earlier in more childish ways) with a small group of about four or five others. None of us really knew exactly what we were playing with and invoking but we knew that something communicated and that was enough for us. The odd thing was that my interested was perked after some counseling sessions wth my priest at the Catholic Church we attended sporadically. I remember one specific conversation that I prodded him until he opened up about it. The subject was exorcisms I had seen on movies. I had watch my fair share of pretty dark movies with spiritual undertones like Amityville Horror, The Exorcism (I - III), Hellraiser and of course Nightmare on Elm Street (many others as well). These movies did not independently push me into an interest in the occult, wanting to jump into the darkness but it did stoke an already growing frustration with religion and God. My questions while sitting across from my priest were pointed and direct from an awkward 12 / 13 year  old kid. Why is evil so active? Why is God so silent? Why does the 'satan' or a group of demons seem so interested in the living, deceiving and entertaining desires of the flesh? I was consumed with connecting to the spirits through many years of my life and to make matters more intense I was involved in relationships that entertained those curiosities in occultist activity. (find our more by clicking here, Hangover to Jesus) From tarot cards, ouija boards to discussions that minimized the impact of these actives. 

During this time in my life was the most intense time as far as drugs, alcohol, pornography and other actions and things I participated in that I would rather not mention. I look back on this time of my life and am reminded of it every time I sit with a man struggling with addiction. Struggling to say no to pornography or other sexual strongholds. Without getting into the evidence and supporting resources, sexually acting out and distortion of sex is at the core of the occult interactions in some form or fashion. There are a handful of times throughout the Bible that we are warned to stay clear of mediums and psychics, to stand clear of the demonic activity. Now I am not saying that some people don't have a gift and can see more then the average person, what I am saying is that there are warnings in the Bible about mediums and psychics and there are instances where the dead visit the living. I also acknowledge that this country has a dark history of some horrific things that were done to people, among those things was a disturbing event in the 1690's of the witch trials. Over two hundred women were thrown into prison for witchcraft and out of those 200 about 20 where burned alive in public. Disturbing. Later when some realizations and misunderstandings were relized the women in prisoned where let out and the families of those put to death were compensated. What I am getting at is that we just don't have a handle on this as a people group to this day. And as witchcraft and occult religious practices grow in our country in popularity we have a great intrigue going on among people. Why? Not totally sure but from my own prospective fear is playing a role in this. God's message is faith and the freedom to choose obedience to His message of grace, unconditional love and hope. The other side is speaking from a place of instance gratification, entitlement, selfishness and hate. There are two messages with two very different outcomes. 

There is an interesting account in the Bible in Acts 16. Paul and Silas are imprisoned after being beaten publicly. You may remember the story, Paul and Silas are in prison and they start singing hymns and praying while other prisoners listen on. An earthquake occurs creating a crack in the foundation for them to escape. But do you remember why they were in prison? When they rolled into Philippi they were approached by a local medium / psychic who told fortunes. She was a slave girl but apparently had some respect because of her abilities to tell fortunes. As Paul and Silas are walking through town the girl interacts with them pointing them out as slaves of God. Berating them with an onslaught of words for a few days. Paul in is his typically, "I have had enough" attitude goes to the girl and proceeds to perform a exorcism on the spot. The girl is released of the demon and can no longer tell fortunes. The leaders are furious. Why? Because they depend on the psychic, they looked to her for guidance, comfort and direction. They were full of angry driven by fear. Fear of the unknown. 

Fear is a deeply rooted emotion. There are different types of fear but the fear I am talking about is that fear that sits in the gut, turning and tormenting. The leaders of Philippi knew that fear because they turned to something that they felt could provide them a remedy for that fear. They were caught in this worship type, dependent relationship with this girl with psychic abilities. Fear is a driver. Many men are rooted with a fear that is being satisfied or temporary sedated by sexually acting out. Modern day pornography is no different than David looking over a Bathsheba and lusting after her. It is an escape, a place of taking back this temporary control out of a place of fear, anxiety or those feelings of not measuring up because of performance based issues or the feeling of being out of control, out of place. 

Everyone has a root issue. When a man comes clean about the sexually strongholds or secret addictions in their lives, it is time to go to that closet way back in the mind. The place where the root issues lay. Why a person is so passionate about one thing or another? Why a man is so compelled to look at images on a computer screen or cell phone for hours? Why a group of people in Philippi threw men of God in prison for taking away their "god". Everyone has a root to why they are the way they are, and who and what they worship. 

So, how do you get to the root of your addictions, your strongholds the reasons why? While there are simple actions, abuses and overall pain that account for a lot of our root issues; there are also more sinister reasons. What we worship, what we look to for reason and comfort in the midst of fear and the attempt to control becomes our god, the idol. A few questions to ask yourself, what does your free time alone look like? What do you do? Is your faith in God involved in that time? When sadness, fear, anxiety or angry creep in what do you turn to? Social media, food, porn, Netflix, alcohol or do you have some people in your community that are positive, supportive and encouraging people that can have a real voice in your situations? The overreaching point to this is are you reaching out to God or the world? God offers true freedom, grace, inclusion and unconditional love - the world offers instance relief for a temporary time, offers dependence on man and offers a place to have company in your misery. 

What are the struggles? Addictions? Emotions? These are by-products of some root that is deeply ingrained that needs to be eradicated. But first we must be willing to go that deep. Cutting a tree down at the stump doesn't remove the tree, the roots must be removed for new growth to occur.  

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Is it a Spiritual Problem?

Is pornography and sexual addictions a spiritual problem? In blog entry from August 16th, 'Hell of a Drug - First Action, Confronting the Issue' I posed the question of whether it was a spiritual problem. In my experience, both mentoring and in my own recovery journey; the question has been wrestled with by those in the midst of a sexual related addiction battles in some form of the following:

- "...if I struggle, then I must not know God"

- "...if God was real he would heal me"

- "...I must not be spending enough time in prayer"

- "...I just need to read my Bible more, maybe I have given enough time to Jesus"

- "...I need to fast better."

- "...God does not love me"

- "...maybe I am called to a life of sin"

- "...I am being punished from something in my life by God"

....and on and on and on....and side note, Christian men seem to be the most unforgiving and relentless when if comes to believing lies about themselves and God. We will explore this later...

It seems that many addictions begin in the midst of crisis. It's true, addition is often created from a "pain". For me at a young age when pornography entered the picture it was the pain of fear, loneness and acceptance that a few porn magazines were able to numb. Everyone experiences crisis at some point in life and for must there are multiple crisis' throughout life. Crisis comes in different forms and at different levels of intensity from one person to another depending all all sorts of factors. For example, when I was a child a crisis was not getting the toy I wanted or losing at a game and now crisis comes in the form of job loss, sickness or relational issues. All of these are a crisis that deserve a healthy response. We go to great lengths to avoid pain. Anesthesia of modern day is pornography, sex, drugs, alcohol, technology and even entertainment. All which are readily available. I remember the first pastor that I meet with an internet pornography addiction. It was somewhat overwhelming. Me at the time a early 30's in the dawn of my recovery battle and a seasoned pastor of a Baptist church in his mid 40's in a heavy addiction that was just exposed by church leadership. This is were I first learned about pain being the root of addiction. Balancing the emotions and weight of the situation, respecting his lives work while walking through a highly secretive and sensitive area of his life. His marriage was suffering and relationship with children was strained. His ministry was suffering. Stressors about finances and pressure to keep a certain appearance was crushing him. There was a lot of pain. Internet pornography was the anesthesia for the pain. To numb the feelings and fears he would "injected" himself by access porn sites at his office or on his mobile device. This was not something new, he had medicate with porn for years and years. Starting when he was young after pain entered the picture as a young child, around 11 years old. The crisis as a child had created an addiction to porn that was now not exactly about porn but about how he was handling relationship issues. When issues arose in relationships and he felt exposed, judged or minimized his mind, body felt the need for a chemical spike of dopamine. The feeling of euphoria if only for a moment. Some get this by substance drugs, smoking, alcohol, physical harming themselves, and others access pornography and have sexual encounters (unwanted in most cases but seemingly needed to move on).

I believe the tension between expecting freedom over sin and the reality of addiction and sin is a struggle throughout life. Especially for those of us who have taken up the cause and are walking in victory from sexual strongholds. The tension is real for me - the line of victory and the reality that I am a recovering addict is real. Just how hard is this tension for those who are in a active full blown addiction? Monumental. I don't act like I know every addict but I can tell you for those who have seen some victory a prayer life is essential for strength throughout the recovery process. Victories and Freedom are fought for not given, granted or earned. They are fought for, they are sacrificed for, they are died for. The hard truth is that something must die for that freedom, that victory from pornography or any other sexual stronghold. Men and women each day make a decision to be apart of fighting for freedom. This is the Gospel, this is the Christian faith. Jesus Christ died for all sins of man. Why? So that we struggling through addiction would have a choice to be recused from our past our fallen world and be given a clean slate (1 Thessalonians 2). 

At the root of pornography addiction and sexual strongholds, the addiction is spiritual in nature. Addiction is nothing more then the process of substituting a dependency upon God for a dependency upon something else. Back to the pastor who struggle with internet pornography addiction. How did we start a road to recovery? How do I tell a man who knows the Bible, the words and interpretations of the Bible and history or the Bible. Who prayers daily, begging God for help. We started by drinking water and standing outside. Let me explain. We started with looking into triggers. What triggers him to have that sudden urge to want to look at porn. We study the physical triggers, sexual triggers, emotional triggers and environmental triggers. The compulsion was there - a 20+ year addiction is not just wiped away, it is fought against. A new solider in the battle of addiction doesn't usually have the advance weapons, in the case of a pastor or seasoned Christian they usually have the weapons but don't know how to use them. We started small. When you feel frustrated, sad, lonely or depressed; go outside on the porch and drink a glass of water while journaling thoughts, prayers and feelings at the moment. He came up with that response and it was affective. This is were the mentoring relationship started.

There’s no greater disservice to people than Christian men and women who refuses to participate in confessional vulnerability. If a Christian is unable to model confession, the people around will likewise feel an inability to live an honest life. The Christian who suffers in silence works from a depleted spiritual well. How can he or she carry the waters of grace to people when he  or she cannot pull from that well? If you are a Christian you have a unique opportunity to model healing and freedom for people around you in crisis. You have the amazing power to be the hands and feet of Jesus! (1 Corinthians 12:27)

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Hell of a Drug - First Action, Confronting the Issue

"Cocaine is a hell of a drug." Rick James made this comment after explaining his past behavior with drugs. The comment was to make some light about his addiction, issues and other drugs he was consuming. However, it was also a severe truth in his life. His life would eventually be affected heavily from these drugs. Like cocaine, pornography is a "hell of a drug". While the masses seem to still shy away from the word drug and addiction when the word pornography is associated with it, it is just that., a drug. This drug is just as addictive and damaging just as cocaine, heroin or any other ingested drug. The difference is pornography requires some screen time and has a general acceptance  and justification among the population, including church-goers. But what is that drive, that compulsion that demands the attention, the participation in an addiction? Well this is a question that can't be fully answered or discussed in one discussion nor fully explored but let’s unpack a common question surround pornography addiction.

Is pornography and sexual addictions a spiritual problem? When you have an addiction does this immediately equate to a strained relationship with God? Does an uncontrollable fetish or sexual stronghold determine your relationship with Jesus? Does this issue with pornography and sexual sin discount you from being used by God, to experience all of God's unconditional love?

Well lets go to straight to a staggering truth. According to the latest Barna Group study there are more than 50,000 U.S. church leaders using porn on a regular basis. That is 1 n 5 youth pastors and 1 in 7 senior pastors. In my small interaction with accountability and mentoring through porn addiction over half of the people I have mentored have been in some form of a church leadership, this includes pastors, youth pastors, missionaries,  and youth workers. But the number that totally drives me crazy is that 75% of pastors for the Barna Group survey said they do not make themselves accountable to anyone for their Internet use. If a portion of church leaders are suffering from pornography addiction then where can we assume the congregation is on this subject? So, I ask the question again; is pornography and sexual addictions a spiritual problem?

What I want to be careful of on this subject is not to give a free pass to just go on in addictions. Nor do I want a blanket judgment to go over all church leadership. My hope is always to bring awareness and a sustainable approach that brings on active recovery and sobriety to those dealing with an addiction and healing those who have walked or walking with the addict. So here we go...

First what is addiction? "Addiction is a complex disease, often chronic in nature, which affects the function of the brain and body. It also causes serious damage to families, relationships, school, workplaces and neighborhoods. Symptoms of an addiction include: loss of control, continued use of despite serious consequences, preoccupation with using, failed attempts to quit, tolerance and withdrawal." (Center of Addiction) [Side note, compulsive sexual behaviors are not recognized by the World Health Organization (WHO) under section 6C72 of impulse control disorders.]

Now what does the Bible say about addiction? A lot actually and this is why so many recovery programs and groups are focused on Biblical teachings. The one that I will point to is more obvious in 1 Corinthians 6. There is a lot that the Apostle Paul is discussing in this chapter and I am sure that there is a theologian that can break it neater then I am but overall Paul is going over a lot of situations that are causing separation. He is reminding them, the Corinthians. The Corinthians had caused much division and stress in the church. He isn't even talking to those that were outside of the church. He is reminding leaders and members of this church about greed, cheaters, drunkards (those under the influence of drugs or alcohol), idol worship (people, materials worship other then God), and sexual immorality. This was again inside the church walls. Paul very simply reminds them that "....do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) He is reminding them that even with all the junk they were in to that God loves them. That it is not to late, all is not loss. Encouraging them to step out of these strongholds. Just like then, now it is hard for someone to simply stop. Just stop something that has been a source of escape and comfort from various emotions, habits and behaviors built over the course of life's journey.

Why is pornography a hell of a drug? Because it is a drug that can be isolated, hidden and the outward affects our minimum unless you know what to look for. There are people reading this now that have an issue with internet pornography. The odds are you are running into people everyday at your work, at home, at grocery stores and at church that are struggling with a porn addiction that is realized, questioned, denied, unrealized, unacknowledged or on a recovery journey. It is the one drug being used throughout our Christian church movements among leaders and congregation. This drug of porn has multiple levels of distribution that feed a demand for some of the most vile, twisted industries that make mainstream pornography business seem like something on Mr. Rogers neighborhood.

Freedom and healing from an addiction is not a overnight process and sometimes not a year process. It varies from person to person, and depends on exposure and triggers tied to the compulsion and need to act out (in this using a computer for a "fix").

There are some immediate actions that can be taken and the first someone in addiction has to do is confront the issue directly and with total honesty and admit the problem. Face the fact that an addiction to porn  exist and the porn and/or sexual strongholds are causing your life to become more and more unmanageable. Without this admission, the choice of healing cannot be made, and lasting change is not possible. Denial is almost always present in any form of addiction, and it will try to convince you otherwise. But only the truth sets us free, and acknowledging the truth about what is happening puts a person on the road to healing.

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The Empty Sermon

I have heard sermons upon sermons on sexual purity and sexual sin in all different types of churches of all different types of denominations. I have even spoken at some churches on this very subject and lead group discussions and teaching on the subject of pornography. Since walking through my own pornography addictions, sexual related issues and stepping into a role several years ago to mentor and support those in the midst of their own addictions, I've learned about the empty sermon. 

The first sermon I heard about pornography and sexual addiction was the first time I didn't feel completely alone and weird about my own addictions. But as soon as I walked out of the church, got into the car and started to process the sermon I began to feel hopeless. Why? Because there was no follow up to the sermon. No one to follow up with. No resources other than the Bible. I am not saying that the Bible is useless or not life changing - it is. With addiction though, an addiction that has been built on years of actions, habits and behaviors that have supported that addiction, there is a need for some practical tools. I have mentored 40 to 50 men who struggle with different sexual strongholds such as, addictions to pornography and some to crossdressing and even some to homosexuality in a heterosexual marriage. I have walked with weeping men in ministry as they try to make sense of their pornography addiction while trying to lead a church and hold a marriage together. Men who had little knowledge of the Bible but knew that sexual addiction was tearing their family apart. Sermons are great, and they need to be spoken but the fact is that sermons on sexual addiction stir up shame, guilt and awkward emotions. The verses thrown out and personal views from the pulpit, while it can be constructive it can also be damaging to those in some deep seated addictions.

My first book Hangover to Jesus (You can find it here) is a memoir of how I came to have a relationship with God that was my own. That radically changed my life. But as I end the book I touch on the battle that had just begun with pornography, the battle to overcome the addiction. Throughout the book I attempt to draw a picture of a life that has been built to support a life of sexual related addictions. I found community, hope and real practical tools that helped me combat pornography addiction through a para-church program. Was it perfect? No. Was it the answer to everything? No. Was it effective? Yes! When I speak to a group no matter the crowd, church or civic organization; I safely assume that 80%-90% of my audience has some level of sexual habits that can be classified as undesirable and/or complusive. Whether it be pornography addiction, sexual acting out outside the marriage, purchasing sex, sexual related fetishes or fill in the blank. I assume this because for one it helps put myself in a posture of humbleness and honor. Secondly, it reminds me of my own battle. I remind men I mentor that when I am put into a position to mentor them, I am nothing more then a man who is further up the road of recovery and has experienced freedom through the battle. I am simply trying to get them further up the road. Freedom is not obtained then never fought for again, freedom is fought for everyday. My freedom is a bloody battle at times and some times its a walk in the park.

The point is that a sermon on "sexual sin" that offers no battle plan for freedom is empty for those with addiction. Sure it is a great speech that rallies the troops but then leaves them standing awkwardly because of a lack of a plan or resources. For Christians it seems to be more difficult to admit issues with sex, pornography or sexuality because of the huge judgement cloud that looms over Christians. There is so much more condemnation and misunderstanding and embarrassment that exist when a man is struggling with looking at porn. The levels and depths of porn and sexual addiction can range from so many levels. The "going to hell" crowd that instantly condemns those that say are in a heterosexual marriage and look at homosexual porn. Its rough. Those that our outside of the church, or maybe have a hard time with God, Churches and Christians I find that these people find an incredible faith through their recovery. Both groups realize one thing when they jump in the battle of their addiction.... they have a distorted view of God, God's love and who they are. 

This is why we do what we do. No matter the outcome and without any judgement we make ourselves available to those struggling. We love seeing people enter the battle, fighting for their freedom, their marriages and their families. If you have felt that feeling of despair and hopelessness after a talk focused around sexual addictions, we would love to hear from you. We have some great resources and would love to share what we have for your needs. Also we will be launching our website very soon, www.bebravebefree.org. If you are a church, ministry or any other leader that is having a hard time filling the gaps. Developing programs that are sustainable and life changing - contact us. We would love to talk with you!

The last thought is this. If you have that "gut" feeling that something is just not right with the way you view sex or the things you are involved in then find someone to start a conversation with. Trusted people, people that have some maturity and wisdom. If you have tried a thousands things or had those "this is the last time" moments and it never is - find someone. While we want the answers to come from our church family and our church leaders the fact is that while a lot of churches have solid people in leadership, others are struggling theirselves. Don't get so caught up in religion and denomination that you give your self an excuse to not get help. Your relationship with God your conviction and your life is a gift from God. And God wants the best for you. You can only love unconditionally when you have loved yourself unconditionally. 

Gerald Zgabay / Be Brave Be Free 
gerald@bebravebefree.org
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Part 1: Are you a Christian…..and still battling with a sexual related addiction?

For the Christian men out there, those that claim a relationship with Jesus Christ. Those who have raised their hand in desperation and brokenness after coming to a moment where you realized that you needed God. Those that have grown up, raised their whole lives in the church knowing the scriptures inside and out. For those who preach the word, who write books, speak publicly, who are on staff with Christian organizations and evangelize in the name of Jesus Christ and for those who stand behind the pulpit preaching to a congregation – why are you still struggling with a sexual addiction? Those who have converted to Christianity late in life, who have seen the real value of relationship with Jesus Christ, who seemingly do all the right things, who are being discipled, who speak out against the injustices of the world – why are you still battling with that secret porn addiction? Why do you still run back like the unfaithful wife, Gomer in the Book of Hosea? After countless failed attempts, after reading numerous books, confessing to those you love the most, participating in support groups, and praying late night prayers of desperation and fear of being exposed of the secret sexual addiction struggle (IE:internet porn)? The fear of exposure of a secret internet porn addiction, anonymous prostitution visits, strips clubs on out of town business trips, or questionable relationships with another person that crosses lines that you wouldn’t want your spouse crossing cripples with. Why the struggle, why the consistent acting out in a manner that you compulsively seem drawn to still? Is it that you don’t know Jesus Christ? Is it that you are a hypocrite? Is it because you haven’t really believed you are saved? Maybe you haven’t accepted that you’re free from this addiction? Or maybe, just maybe you know all those things, love Jesus deeply, love the Word of God, know the truth and the simple answer is that you are just not doing the work.

Carl Thomas of XXXChurch (www.xxxchurch.com) was the first person I heard say, “That the head knowledge needs to catch up with the heart knowledge.” This was said as he led the support group I was a member of several years ago when I was in the trenches battling my own addictions. When he said this, he was pointing out that we as a group of Christian men knew the truth and knew the love of Christ and all God had to offer but our daily approach to life didn’t support that knowledge.

In my own journey; wait, let me explain this journey with an addiction. It is just that… a journey. For those reading this that are in the darkness of a sexual related addiction that has thrown your marriage, profession, or public life into question, you are on this very journey. For those who have struggled for years, seen small victories or extended ones with some relapses you are on the same journey. For those who have no clue or realization that sexual addictions are real – you are on this journey to. Why? Because we all have that little voice inside of us that causes us to question, to ponder what we are doing, who we are hurting and what the effects of the decision are going to be. Some have pushed that voice further down with other personal battles and some have run into addictions and horrible acts against themselves or others to be accepted or loved. We all fit into the same category but that’s not what I want to do, categorize you. I look at the journey as a road we are all on. We are at different points. I am further on the road then some, and there are some further up the road then me. The point is that we are all on the same road. Searching for acceptance, love and affirmation. The worst of the worst who does the most violent crimes against humanity is no different than you, seeking out and acting out in a sexual nature. Everyone is medicating.

When I started this journey the first step I had to realize and ask myself, several times, Do you want to be free? Sure, we can pull a ton of scriptures that say why not to look at porn or have multiple sexual partners; however, when you ask the question, do you want to be free? It does something to you – forces you to really think about it. There is a great resource I use when mentoring with men who are fresh to the world of accountability or have never really been in an accountability relationship. It is by “Be Broken Ministries” called Purity 101. The reason I love this resource is because it gets directly to the heart of the issue. You! It’s not God, Jesus or the church (while I understand that church can damage us as well as leaders, but that’s another conversation that we do have during mentoring). John 5:5-9 Jesus tells the man sitting next to the pool who is complaining about why he can’t get to the pool for healing, Jesus doesn’t go and pick him up or ask people to move – he says, “Get up, take up your bed and walk.” It is the picture of Jesus being realistic. Knowing that we must believe in ourselves, that we have some work to do as well. You can’t go from a life of sexual related dependencies and immediately walk into complete victory. It is a nice slogan, but the reality is that you must learn to walk. You must build a life that supports your conviction. That is mentoring, that is accountability. Learning from those who are just a little further then you on the journey.

First step: Ask the hard questions of yourself and ask God the hard questions. Don’t be afraid of the true answers and don’t ‘church’ it up. This is your life we are talking about! Do you want to be free? Do you fear a life of freedom because all you have known is a life sexually dependent? (I.E.: porn) Are you content with sin and secrecy? Have you lost hope for real change?

Image Source:Noah Sillman @noahsilliman

Porn Recovery Challenges: Fear of Change

We just relocated to a new town. We moved from Houston to Bryan/College Station, not an entirely extensive distance but it still required that we pick up everything, leave everyone we knew and our circle of friends, our church community and move to a new community. We have two small children that were connected in their little childlike ways and we had to remove them from their friends, preschool teachers, well-loved babysitters and playgrounds they had grown to love. My wife owns and operates a photography business that was thriving and flourishing in the Houston area. You may be asking why we moved? I have been without a consistent, reliable job for over a year. I was laid off in April of 2015 and hopped around making ends meet and supporting my family and attempting to honor our obligations to the best of our abilities. I had been in banking industry for almost 15 years before I was laid off, the last year I was working with non-profits, finishing my first book and employed with a residential home repair company. I started to search for employment back in the banking industry in the third quarter of 2016. I was honored with a great opportunity with a community bank in the area. The last year has been one of the most challenging years in my adult life.

Financially, spiritually, relationally and practically I have had to face challenges that seemingly where coming from all areas of my life over the last year or so. Realizing that staying in my current situation would be easier and not necessarily the most beneficial is difficult, its scary. Staring at an unknown future and unknown results of the decisions being made generated a large amount of fear. Fear is the simply emotion that we all have and experience. It is the unpleasant emotion that someone or something is dangerous, or is likely to cause us pain or be a threat. People all over the world are stifled by fear in one way or the other. People's fear ranges from one extreme to the other. Each case holds the same level of compassion, love and courage needed to overcome. Some fear is generated from horrific ordeals and situations that were inflicted by force or some fear is the result of phobias and anxieites from experiences that caused pain, discomfort or distrust. Either way fear is real and the fear of change is as very real.

How does fear of change tie into pornography addiction or unwanted sexual desires? For most of us who have dealt with struggles, addictions or compulsions that are sexual in natural the first contact or exposure was years before it was identified as a problem. In my personal experience and experience in mentoring men most individuals who are struggling as an adult with sexually related addictions the origin of this addiction was as a child. Sometimes as far back as 5 or 6 years old. Take me for example, I was 11 / 12 years old when I first viewed pornography in the form of a magazine. At the time of exposure there were things going on in my live and situations I was attempting to process in my under developed understanding of the world around me. Porn became a quick draw because it was accepting, it was easy and it was satisfying if only for moments. What started out as a curiosity quickly became a compulsion. I started to seek porn out in any form possible. Sunday ads became a place of distraction with lingerie ads. My parents family room in the back of the house became a room of worship late at night when some cable networks switched from typically programming of movies to a type of soft-core porn. Our first household computer become a luring device that when no one was home in moments I was using the dial-up modem to find porn. This would become a frequent atmosphere for me for years to come. A dark room only illuminated by either the light of the a digital screen or a dimly lit strip club.

For twenty years my life would include porn in some form or fashion. For most of those years I approached it with the 'boys will be boys' low expectations mantra. Porn and over sexualization has been somewhat sanctioned in our world as acceptable behavior and cultural norms. Its perfectly accepted for boys, grown men, married men and women to access porn and to take it a step further to participate in utilizing people as a commodity for self pleasure. I won't get into the ends and outs of how porn and the over sexualization of our culture, the media, entertainment, and celebrities our world idolizes in twisted forms of worship by throwing resources at these individuals has contributed. This is a whole other conversation. What I will stay on point about is that we, men have accepted the norm, a baseline for our sexual behavior that is horribly distorted.

Fear of change is intense. When I decided to step out of one lifestyle that was causing pain, anxiety, depression and a whole lot of other issues within my marriage, I felt a whole other slate of emotions when I decided step away from drugs and alochol. This emotions included isolation, loneness and frustration because once you leave something you are a part of for some many years, something that has defined you, that has shaped you and you take a stand and go against the seemingly acceptable behavior - you instantly isolate yourself. People leave you that you thought were true friendships, you relationships are reshaped or just dissipate. With porn addiction, wow; that is a whole other animal. When I started to take an active stance in my personal life and pursue help in my porn addictions it was down right frightening. My surface level porn; the stuff I was willing to say out load, was nothing compared to the stuff I was keeping secret. The secret, dark, twisted person I became when no one was around; when my mind was running with sexual curiosities down some demented Alice and Wonderland rabbit hole was truly freighting.

Fear of change is real and cripples people into doing nothing. How many times have you tried to change something that has been apart of you for so long. Doesn't have to be porn it can be anything. Habits or lifestyle or eating habits that you pinpointed as something that needed to change but when you started down the road of change you where overwhelmed with fear, anxiety or laziness. When Jesus said "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me" (Matthew 16:24). Jesus words are unmistakable. The fear of the brutality of the moment had to overtake the disciples. They truly knew what crosses were. Not the little trinkets and silver charms we were around as jewelry or tattoos. The cross was an instrument of execution, pain and humility.

Jesus calls us all. Everyone one of us no matter who you are, what your are doing or what you believe. We are just all in different places and different points on that call. Fear drives us to that call. Jesus says "if". He doesn't take it for granted that we will be willing to follow. God is looking for a free-will relationship. Shame is the fundamental false belief that you are defective, or worthless at the core of your being. Guilt is focused on behavior of making a mistake. Shame takes us to some dark places. Shame is lies that are deeply rooted in us that are there for so long that we begin to believe they are true. Shame is not permanent and you can be free. But we must break through the fear. The fear to change.

The first step to overcoming fear is to step out. Practically for me that looked like going to trusted individuals that I knew had experience some level of freedom and track history. For me it was with XXXChurch and my group leader, then as I built more relationships it was the guys in the group. It is so hard to imagine yourself without something you have had for so long. Everyone who is addicted to something goes through this at some level. Imagining your life without that thing. For me to imagine my life without porn was overwhelming.

If you feel convicted or there is something stirring in you about you porn usage or some other sexual stronghold - pray about next steps. Pray about who to involve. Who to talk with. Then take that step. The most important guidance I have learned over the years is that this is my cross to bare, my addictions I have overcome. No man is going to heal me. But Jesus Christ is right there wanting to walk with us. If you have no relationship with Jesus Christ then maybe thats were you need to start. What you don't need to do is let fear rob you of anymore time. God wants a relationship, he is not a bully and will not enslave you. God's love is right there. That conviction, that awareness that something needs to change may just be God speaking to you; speaking to you about your most desperate prayers that you have had with him in those moments of your most shameful acts.

Please reach out if you would like to talk further about this entry. OR if this stirs you and causes thought then reach out.

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Forever Changed by Pornography

I am a changed man. I had a factious view and false hope that I would some how find that innocent
boy before the corruption of pornography. Before the chaos in my head was intensified by the drug of pornography.

I recently changed my thought process, my stance on purity. Purity is defined as the absence or freedom from adulteration or contamination. Purity is impossible. Yes, I said it. Impossible. Let me explain.

I am forever changed by the contamination of pornography. My thoughts, dreams, success, failures - my faith has been altered and manipulated by the contamination of pornography. Even though I exist now walking in a perceived "freedom" I am forever changed by the ripple effects of the thousands, tens of thousands of sexual images and videos I have consumed in my life via the internet. I am reaping the twisted reward of hundreds of hours wasted sitting in front of a computer or mobile device searching for something that would kill the pain. That would help me process the stress, loneliness, angry and feelings of never measuring up. The hours wasted sitting in strip clubs and parties watching, participating and bathing in my shame and guilt while women are degraded to nothing more then a product to feed the demand.

In the last five years or so I have taken a role as a spokesmen in my little corner of the world; in my small circle of influence to be outspoken about pornography. I was never appointed or certified I simply just started to speak out about my own struggles. Why? Because its the truth about who I am and the truth about who I am keeps me in a humility that checks myself each day so that I don't get caught up in my own selfness. We often wonder why we have certain vices or addictions; certain things, people and/or substances that we often run to or allow to rule over us. We have all been in a place of great self hate and shame over something that we have done or allowed to be done to us. But the twisted truth is there is something about those things, people and/or substances that feeds and comforts a part of us that is truly lacking. That part of us that when no one is around, when we are alone with just the thoughts in our head that are emphasized by the solitude of the moment. Those thoughts could be a rushing of the days events whether bad or good; or the loneliness, stress of financial woes, martial issues, the reminders of failures, past regrets, etc. This place of recounting, of recycled negative emotions, events and thoughts is what drives us to addictions, drives us to the place of shame and guilt.

Why? Why do we have to struggle with addiction? A question that I have asked myself many times especially when I was at the height of my pornography addiction. This is the point were I have no choice but to bring my faith into the conversation because that is the only way that I balance the violent line of chaos and order, love and hate, selfness and giving, humbleness and pride. In 2 Corinthians 12 there is a man name Paul, he was one of the apostles of Jesus Christ. He is directing this letter to the Corinth church and people of Greece. This particular part Paul is speaking of the thorn in his flesh that he was pained with and buffeted with a messenger of satan. We don't know what this was, either a great trouble or great depression either way you can imagine the imagery of what a thorn would feel like in your side all the time. Paul was the apostle who had a sketchy past and had come to know and have a relationship with God through a intense way (see Acts 9). Therefore, you can assume that he had some past sin, habits, addictions, and things that he was just not to proud about doing. Paul speaks heavily about sexual immorality and sexual sin in several of his letters throughout the new testament. Giving his past and viewpoints in a Roman society we can safely assume that Paul may have had some first hand experience in the sexual immorality area giving his extreme warnings and passions on the subject. Besides, those who are the most intense and passionate about certain subjects are usually those who have been in the fire themselves.

This is were it gets challenging if you are in the midst of addiction. How do you turn something like a sexual addiction into a positive experience in your live? This is obvious for those who have some sort of conviction of pornography or other sexual related vices - but how do you turn your secret struggle, shame, guilt and conviction into a positive experience? Baby steps. My personal dealing with addiction is that I tried a lot of things to force myself out of a addiction lifestyle but the only true freedom I found was when I accepted who I was and what I was doing. I am a child of God and I am acting in rebellion. There is truth of when issues hit our lives we run to ourselves for the solutions or remedies (in the Christian community this is referred to as the "flesh"). This puts us in a place of attempting to solve, or alleviate the pain or produce some factious facade of temporary positive "relief". The problem is this is a well that runs dry and that is fake. We hide our problems here, we isolate ourselves, we slip into depressions and worries. Relationships suffer, marriages crumble, kids are victimized, women are degraded, men are reduced down to a mere sexual action, the damage and chaos left is sadly unseen by the demander of the supply for the addiction. We live in a over sexualized world that I refer to as the "Pornified World" that was coined several years ago by other organizations. But its true. Look the the numbers (one reference: www.guardchild.com/statistics/), we have a culture that has brewed up around us that has made us believe that it is acceptable for us to entertain, participate and fall victim in sexual addictions.

When Paul in 2 Corinthians is speaking to this group of mislead, misinformed, misguided people he is addressing the same issues we are today but obvious we have different challenges. However, the solution is the same. Once we experience something that we cling to like a depression or temptation that gives us that boast of chemical surge in our brains to help us cope with what ever we are going through - we are forever changed. Our purity has been robbed or in my case and maybe in most cases I just gave it away because I really didn't know how much it was really worth. Now I pursue sexual wholeness. Boasting about the thorn in my side. This thorn reminds me that I am a broken person in need of God each and every moment. Paul prayed repeatedly to have it removed but it was never. And the thorn of satan is turned on its head because Paul brings it out of the shadows. He discusses it, shows himself as a broken man who needs God. He is reminded by God that the power of his works is in his greatest weakness. What? Yes, your power, you greatest power is when you step out of the shadows of addiction. I wake up each day and honestly at times have to drag myself out in the light so that I don't slip back into the shadows of addictions. I use tools that I have learned along the way, managing triggers, stressful situations, monitoring all my electronic devices, involving people in my life who I allow to be straight forward and direct. This live is not easily and I think often how cheaply I sold my purity for and what I got in return. But know I walk as Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10...

"...Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Image Source:
Yousef Al Nasser
@yousefalnasser