Barriers

I always felt so far from God. For some strange reason the further I felt the stronger I felt as if there was something bigger out there. I can't tell you why everyone does certain things but I can give you some insight on why I did the things I did.

I can remember watching Kurt Cobain on MTV and wanting to be him, wanting that feeling of fame and power. When he committed suicide in 1994 I couldn't figure out how a person could get so low that death would be a better option than life especially with all the money and power he had at the height of his career. I would later learn (along with the rest of the country) that he had a terrible drug problem which involved heroin at the time of his death. I always questioned why would someone do drugs? Especially with money, fame and pretty much anything a person could want...from the world. Little did I know that later in my own life I would see how a person gets to a point of destroying their own body?

In the summer of 1996 I was entering my senior year of high school. I had broken up with my first ever girlfriend and I was attending my first real party with the feeling of complete freedom. I can remember the first drink of alcohol I ever took and that same night I started smoking cigarettes. I fell in love with the feeling of being drunk, it made me forget the thoughts that were running through my head, it made me forget about not having plans for the future, it allowed me not worry about not having clear direction in my life. When I got drunk, I felt alive because I didn't have to face my problems; I didn't have to face tomorrow or any of its questions. Instead of concentrating on myself and a relationship with God, all my attention went into myself and how I could distract myself more from the problems that were facing me each day. I didn't apply myself in school so I didn't even apply for colleges, I was in a relationship that I didn't like but had no idea how to get out of. I was staring down a future that I had seen played out in older people around my community.

When I graduated I gravitated to individuals who shared my same fears, of course we didn't talk about them, but I think that we all knew. For some people alcohol and cigarettes run its course in a person’s body and become 'not enough'. We would then turn to marijuana or weed as it is most commonly known. This new addiction caused new problems and drama became the norm. My life was falling apart from the inside out; however, I couldn't tell. In the summer of 1999 I moved to Waco to attend a technical college. I also brought along my girlfriend who was very similar to me; looking for a way out and doing everything to make sense of things. We immediately got hooked up with a group of individuals who could supply us drugs and some twisted version of friendship. This is when my life began to spin out of control. This is when I felt the furthest from God. I was doing so many different types of drugs that I didn't know what was normal or what being happy meant. My close friends (who I had distanced myself from because they didn't share my same interests anymore) would make comments like "you look terrible" or "you need to slow down". Being this far from God can be scary because I began to question what the point for life was, I began to not care whether I died or lived. I wasn't suicidal, I just got to a place of not caring... it is a tough place. It is a place in life that is described in the book of Isaiah - "But your iniquities have built barriers between you and your God, and your sins have made Him hide His face from you" Isaiah 59:2

I don't know what Kurt's relationship was with the Lord and no one knows what drove him to the lifestyle that he lived. I can only share with you the glimpse that I experienced. I can assume that Kurt had grown so far from God with all of the barriers he had put up. I too was putting up barriers, when I was scared, alone or hurt. Deep down I knew who to turn to, but I choose the easy way out. I chose the easy way because it wouldn't force me to change, it wouldn't force me to deal with those deep dark problems that I had. For me it all began when I was 13, with the acceptance of lust into my life, my separation from God began with a few simple choices.

Matthew 8:19-22 says "Then a teacher of the law came to Him and said 'Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go.' Jesus replied, 'foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the some of man has no place to lay his head.' Another disciple said to Him, 'Lord, first let me go and bury my father.' But Jesus told him, 'Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.'" For many years I had made excuses of why not to follow Jesus, why not to change, making statements like "this is who I am". I didn't understand that God wanted me to have a better life, He wanted to use me. When I finally accepted his call, I dropped it all and decided to follow him with all my heart. Sure I mess up but I now know where and how to turn for help.

God calls All...