boy before the corruption of pornography. Before the chaos in my head was intensified by the drug of pornography.
I recently changed my thought process, my stance on purity. Purity is defined as the absence or freedom from adulteration or contamination. Purity is impossible. Yes, I said it. Impossible. Let me explain.
I am forever changed by the contamination of pornography. My thoughts, dreams, success, failures - my faith has been altered and manipulated by the contamination of pornography. Even though I exist now walking in a perceived "freedom" I am forever changed by the ripple effects of the thousands, tens of thousands of sexual images and videos I have consumed in my life via the internet. I am reaping the twisted reward of hundreds of hours wasted sitting in front of a computer or mobile device searching for something that would kill the pain. That would help me process the stress, loneliness, angry and feelings of never measuring up. The hours wasted sitting in strip clubs and parties watching, participating and bathing in my shame and guilt while women are degraded to nothing more then a product to feed the demand.
In the last five years or so I have taken a role as a spokesmen in my little corner of the world; in my small circle of influence to be outspoken about pornography. I was never appointed or certified I simply just started to speak out about my own struggles. Why? Because its the truth about who I am and the truth about who I am keeps me in a humility that checks myself each day so that I don't get caught up in my own selfness. We often wonder why we have certain vices or addictions; certain things, people and/or substances that we often run to or allow to rule over us. We have all been in a place of great self hate and shame over something that we have done or allowed to be done to us. But the twisted truth is there is something about those things, people and/or substances that feeds and comforts a part of us that is truly lacking. That part of us that when no one is around, when we are alone with just the thoughts in our head that are emphasized by the solitude of the moment. Those thoughts could be a rushing of the days events whether bad or good; or the loneliness, stress of financial woes, martial issues, the reminders of failures, past regrets, etc. This place of recounting, of recycled negative emotions, events and thoughts is what drives us to addictions, drives us to the place of shame and guilt.
Why? Why do we have to struggle with addiction? A question that I have asked myself many times especially when I was at the height of my pornography addiction. This is the point were I have no choice but to bring my faith into the conversation because that is the only way that I balance the violent line of chaos and order, love and hate, selfness and giving, humbleness and pride. In 2 Corinthians 12 there is a man name Paul, he was one of the apostles of Jesus Christ. He is directing this letter to the Corinth church and people of Greece. This particular part Paul is speaking of the thorn in his flesh that he was pained with and buffeted with a messenger of satan. We don't know what this was, either a great trouble or great depression either way you can imagine the imagery of what a thorn would feel like in your side all the time. Paul was the apostle who had a sketchy past and had come to know and have a relationship with God through a intense way (see Acts 9). Therefore, you can assume that he had some past sin, habits, addictions, and things that he was just not to proud about doing. Paul speaks heavily about sexual immorality and sexual sin in several of his letters throughout the new testament. Giving his past and viewpoints in a Roman society we can safely assume that Paul may have had some first hand experience in the sexual immorality area giving his extreme warnings and passions on the subject. Besides, those who are the most intense and passionate about certain subjects are usually those who have been in the fire themselves.
This is were it gets challenging if you are in the midst of addiction. How do you turn something like a sexual addiction into a positive experience in your live? This is obvious for those who have some sort of conviction of pornography or other sexual related vices - but how do you turn your secret struggle, shame, guilt and conviction into a positive experience? Baby steps. My personal dealing with addiction is that I tried a lot of things to force myself out of a addiction lifestyle but the only true freedom I found was when I accepted who I was and what I was doing. I am a child of God and I am acting in rebellion. There is truth of when issues hit our lives we run to ourselves for the solutions or remedies (in the Christian community this is referred to as the "flesh"). This puts us in a place of attempting to solve, or alleviate the pain or produce some factious facade of temporary positive "relief". The problem is this is a well that runs dry and that is fake. We hide our problems here, we isolate ourselves, we slip into depressions and worries. Relationships suffer, marriages crumble, kids are victimized, women are degraded, men are reduced down to a mere sexual action, the damage and chaos left is sadly unseen by the demander of the supply for the addiction. We live in a over sexualized world that I refer to as the "Pornified World" that was coined several years ago by other organizations. But its true. Look the the numbers (one reference: www.guardchild.com/statistics/), we have a culture that has brewed up around us that has made us believe that it is acceptable for us to entertain, participate and fall victim in sexual addictions.
When Paul in 2 Corinthians is speaking to this group of mislead, misinformed, misguided people he is addressing the same issues we are today but obvious we have different challenges. However, the solution is the same. Once we experience something that we cling to like a depression or temptation that gives us that boast of chemical surge in our brains to help us cope with what ever we are going through - we are forever changed. Our purity has been robbed or in my case and maybe in most cases I just gave it away because I really didn't know how much it was really worth. Now I pursue sexual wholeness. Boasting about the thorn in my side. This thorn reminds me that I am a broken person in need of God each and every moment. Paul prayed repeatedly to have it removed but it was never. And the thorn of satan is turned on its head because Paul brings it out of the shadows. He discusses it, shows himself as a broken man who needs God. He is reminded by God that the power of his works is in his greatest weakness. What? Yes, your power, you greatest power is when you step out of the shadows of addiction. I wake up each day and honestly at times have to drag myself out in the light so that I don't slip back into the shadows of addictions. I use tools that I have learned along the way, managing triggers, stressful situations, monitoring all my electronic devices, involving people in my life who I allow to be straight forward and direct. This live is not easily and I think often how cheaply I sold my purity for and what I got in return. But know I walk as Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10...
"...Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Image Source:Yousef Al Nasser
