Long Road - Part 2, The Action

For a person of faith, porn addiction is not necessarily about how much porn, type of porn or duration of watching porn, it's about how guilty and condemned a person feels as they participate in porn. You may have seen the "Jesus Saves" signs in front of the adult video stores, strip clubs or the "Christians" standing in front of an adult entertainment convention. What emotion is triggered in you when you see this display of the clashes of "Good vs. Evil," "Righteousness vs., Rebellion"... "the condemned vs. the hypocrites."  

Craig Gross of XXXChurch was massively protested during the first years of XXXChurch and their type of outreaches. They would send teams into porn conventions and actually rent space out at the conference to set up their "Jesus Loves Porn Stars" booth. They gave out bibles and offered a prayer for the people around the convention. People on the outside looking in started to protest and demonize Craig and his teams as they enter the convention with a message of love. The purpose of these picket signs and people who sign up for these protest where... well hell I really don't know what the goal was. Because one group was showing love by action the other was being the judge, jury, and executioner by telling everyone walking into these conventions, including XXXChurch team members, they were going to hell. All the while millions of men struggle with porn addiction within the church framework and Christian environments in mostly secret addictions or cycling in and out of porn binges. These groups take it upon themselves to pass judgment of people they knew nothing about, they don't know anything of their past, their pains, addictions or the negative experiences they may have had with proclaimed Christians or within a church. And we wonder why so much secret sexual habits reside within the very places that are meant for healing, acceptance and unconditional love. These picketers, billboards, and protest provoke guilt, shame, sadness, anger, and condemnation; which, is actually some of the core emotions that drive a person to visit an adult-related business, participated in pornographic activities or a sex-based business. 

While some disagree with XXXChurch's approach, mock and judge the faith based on Jesus Christ's teachings that are at the core of what they do, there is a tremendous amount of hope, recovery, and freedom that comes out of their ministry. I am not an XXXChurch apologist, but I am partial to them. When I started this journey of porn addiction recovery - it was XXXChurch that I felt comfortable to reach out to. Why? Because there was a considerable amount of honesty,  transparency, and willingness to say the things that were in my porn addicted mind. Versus the denial, fake, "I pray for you bro" approach that I was experiencing around me in the local church. I was dying for someone to actually not lie, or attempt to "pretty up" the horrific, disgusting thoughts and if I can be so bold to admit, the excitement of the expectation of the euphoric rush of porn or some other form of sexually acting out. 

In my experience of my own journey of sobriety and the recovery process; and with mentoring men both one-on-one and in group settings - it is honesty, authenticity, and transparency that is the most useful attributes to start the journey. It is the feeling that a person is not weird, different or not accepted. I believe one reason sex-related industries keep growing is that the church has fallen short of bringing people into a loving relationship that is free of condemnation, judgment and a fake response of prayer. For the hand full of churches we have worked with behind the scenes there is a denial of an issue or an issue within the leadership group that prevents effective programs to be launched within a church. But most of the time there is a lack of individuals that are on a journey of recovery, therefore, a lack of leaders in pornography addiction recovery. Hints why para-church organizations like XXXChurch and Be Broken thrive and my wife and I have a voice with Be Brave Be Free. While prayer is a valuable tool, the addiction is real and must be approached like that, an addiction. While sin is the bedrock of the addiction, that doesn't help the addict in the moment of crisis. An addict must first realize there is an addiction, realize there is a problem. If you have broken your leg you don't need someone telling you all the reasons why you broke your leg, you just realize your leg is broken, and you need help. In my personal experience, and with other men, usually, the explanation of the sin associated with the addiction is not the game changer. It is the realization that they can live without porn, realizing that their life is fuller and has more life without porn. Realizing that they will always be a porn addict walking in sobriety and that the awareness of triggers, situations, emotions and their responses will be critical to that continued success in walking in a real recovery. Walking through any addiction usually uncovers vast amounts of pain, hurt and yes past sin that is not always isolated to one particular "sin." It is typically several factors of pains, misunderstanding, distortions of truths and lies that have to be realized before true freedom is achieved. Addictions are all-encompassing.    

When I was interviewing my dad for my first book, Hangover to Jesus; I discovered something that was incredible enlightening when I asked my father about how Alcoholic Anonymous freed him from his addiction to alcohol:  

Me - "Tell me how Alcoholic Anonymous broke your addiction to alcohol?" 

Dad - "AA didn't break my drinking..." 

Me - "What? I thought that AA...."

Dad - "No, it helped, but it started with a decision. A decision to stop. I had to make the decision."

It wasn't XXXChurch that "broke me" from pornography. It wasn't some sermon or prayer. While those may have played a part, it was a decision. While people praying for me and books read played a part, they didn't decide that I needed help. I did. After a night of leading a bible study for teenager guys, cleaning up our house of trash, pizza boxes and mopping the floors I settled in for the night. I took my laptop to the bathroom to do my business. The idea, the lie was that I was just going to listen to a sermon. I ended up watching some XXXChurch videos of their programs and what they do. I remember this feeling of "this is crazy, no one has porn addictions. Porn is just a normal action. Porn doesn't affect me." Then ten minutes later I am watching porn.
Some of the most depraved, disgusting porn. I realized what I was doing almost in a trance. I close the laptop, place on the vanity, and sat in complete conviction. I believe conviction from the Holy Spirit. Not from anyone but from a spiritual place. There was no condemnation, guilt or shame at that moment. It was a realization that I was addicted to porn and the thoughts, past experiences, horrible things that ran through my mind where not good for me. That my desire for porn and everything involved with me getting that shot of dopamine (Click here to find out more about Dopamine) was a problem. 

I made the decision at that moment that I would get help. I took the action of sending an email to XXXChurch and received an email back the following day. I was in a support group before the end of the week. Now I wish I could say that everything was over and healing took place immediately but it is a process. The process has to lead me here. This is why the action must be taken by you, the porn addict. Don't let others judgment or condemnation or weird sermons of the subject draw you back from what you need to do. What is your next action? Is it to simply make a decision, to reach out, to involve someone trusted in the journey?

Take the action. Be Brave Be Free - Mentoring

Other resources hope stories: Brittni new found hope - 2013, Diamond Dee - Redemption Story

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Long Road - Part 1, Christians we have a Problem

Jim Gaffigan is an American comedian that is known for his satire at the expense of the most well known fast food establishments in America. He has this one practical rant about McDonald's that is, in my opinion, some of the most hilarious and quick-witted material he has done next to the Hot Pocket bit.  There is a particular bit about McDonald's that he reveals that embarrassment and denial that people go through in admitting they eat at McDonald's (Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YDTfEhChgw). He explains that so many people deny eating at McDonald's or are embarrassed to be seen at McDonald's because of the overly opinionated, overly conscientious community that we live in of health food enthusiast. The point he makes is that "McDonald's sells six billion hamburgers a year and there are 300 million people in this country...I think everyone is going to McDonald's!" It's a great skit. People laugh because it is true. There is the negative reputation that McDonald's has that stems from the quality of their meat to the ingredients of the food to the way they have been placed into the childhood obesity discussion as a significant contributor over the years. But still, we all line up in those drive-thru lines and go into those plastic paradises of red and yellow decor seeking a cheap meal made with cheap products that for the most part has no health benefits. 

There is a great parallel we can draw from this joke concerning the rash of denial, ignorance and over blatantly ignoring of the porn addiction and the effects it is having on individuals, relationships and the culture.

For the point of this discussion, I want to discuss the massively unspoken issues with porn usage within organized Christian churches and denominations. Not to demonize one church over the other but because my passion, my drive is that porn addiction would be a more recognized, respected and resourced area of churches. I truly believe that families could be radically changed by one man's choice to abstain from porn, to be mentored through the addiction and create real responses to the daily triggers that are associated with the addiction. Churches would become more abundant in transparency, and the development of authenticity would better equip us as people to actually help people from a place of complete truth and openness. The intensity and love behind discipleship would be free of the barriers of sexual strongholds and porn addictions from both parties.

I once told a senior pastor of a large church as we met about what addressing porn addiction in the church would look like - that I would first assume that 90% of the men in this church struggle in some degree with some type sexual stronghold or distortion. Maybe not a full blown porn addiction but something sexual that is either related to sexuality, fetishes,  frustrations, abuse, dreams, thoughts or other areas that deal with medicating, acting out or dealing with emotions by acting out sexually. I am just not pulling numbers or making up stats. Some is based on reliable studies done by the Barna Group; (https://www.charismanews.com/us/45671-shocker-study-shows-most-christian-men-are-into-porn) who in there last study that focused on porn and affairs of those who identify themselves as born-again Christians revealed 95% admitting that they have viewed porn, over half of those within the last month and the remaining seen porn within the last 90 days. Also, 30% had an affair, and about 30% were erasing internet browsing history consistently. The stat that blows me away is that only 18% admitted to a porn addiction - when in reality all 95% had a porn addiction at some degree. I have mentored 40+ men through porn addiction, and for the most part, these men were men who had admitted that they have a problem. All these men where proclaimed Christians by their own convictions. I fell into this as well. I was a self-proclaimed born again Christian who used porn regularly. I can tell you I have talked to way more men who have denied an issue with porn, or skirted the question or attempted to cover up their porn usage in there lives with mission work, discipleship, spirituality or overly referencing books. And those where the self-proclaimed Christians. 

So let's think about this, a little sneak peek at what rolls around in my head when it comes to churches, porn, men and families. Now I do admit I didn't grow up entirely in a church environment and my journey to the cross is a little different then most but I believe closer aligns to most then credited (read about that journey here: Hangover to Jesus). But I have also worked in business for 19 years, and there is something called outside consultation. This is someone or a group that comes in to give an assessment of what the company is doing. They dig into leadership, products, compliance, financials and on and on. You are essential standing nude in a business sense and allowing some to point out and question whatever they want. And you pay them for this! The idea is that you have a fresh vision and can enhance areas that are going well and fix areas that are not so good. I have also worked in churches and with leadership, sometimes more in the "shadows" talking about issues related to porn addiction and all the effects associated with porn addiction. What I have found is that people either recognize the problem, skirt the issue or are crippled by their own secret, lonely, dangerous addictions to porn. And this is where I land at, it is a long road out of the depths of porn addiction. While some attempt to mask their addictions with the intense faith and intense spirituality the truth lies right under the surface - the dangerous addiction to porn that is waiting to destroy, to seek death and to pull the individual deeper into the addiction all while proclaiming Christ.

Where do we start? One person, one man at a time. That's where we begin. The Catholic Church is going through a massive issue with sexually related issues that have destroyed and brought a significant amount of pain on people. The Catholic Church has been highlighted, but this happens in literally hundreds of other churches in all denominations across the US but fly under the radar for one reason or another. I look at these situations from the outside looking in and see men, men that know the Bible better than most and have some relationship with God, so wrapped up in porn addictions for years that lead to these horrific actions. Addictions are progressive. There is always a need for more; hence why porn is considered the gateway drug to sexual trafficking, prostitution, rape, and sexual abuse. What I have seen through my own experience while working with leaders with porn addictions, is this: isolation and lack of trust in people to share with is a significant component of the ongoing unwanted habits. Someone to trust to admit the addiction to, and the ability or offering to walk with a real mentor, or counselor or psychiatrist that has to experience freedom from porn addiction is missing for one reason or another.

Why do some people have an inability to control their use of pornography? While do some people continue to have sexual encounters with multiple people even in the face of consequences? Porn addiction and other sexual strongholds are complex. But with an active mentoring relationship the addict of porn can discover factors like the history of abuse or addictions in their own lives, realize a biochemical problem, be aware of abuse or trauma that has contributed to the addiction. So many people accept Christ, proclaim their alliance with God and say "I am Free From Addiction!" But in most cases, it doesn't work that way. If you have been depended on porn for years upon years you must develop a battle plan, you must be equipped. You must learn this new life, this new approach without porn being the secret outlet, the secret little dark place that you act out your frustrations, angry's, other emotions and deal with lives up and downs. You must be provided resources, tools and weapons to fight. That is why my wife and I do what we do. Its why we provide mentoring, resources and tools. Its why we find great outreaches to work with like Be Broken (www.bebroken.com) and great resources and tool sites like Covenant Eyes. Check out www.bebravebefree.org for more information about resources, tools, and services.

Christians we have a problem, everyone is saying they are not struggling with porn but is that really the truth? Are we as Christians being honest with what is going on in us and around us? Are we willing to allow someone from the outside take a look around those secret places, those areas of our lives we are shielding from our Christian friends, co-workers? Are we as Christian leaders being open and honest about the struggles with porn and sexual strongholds? If your not - reach out!


Photo by Hunter Haley on Unsplash