Ahh.... the holiday season. A time to break our routines from the other ten months of the year to spend the months of November and December in a state of anxious bless in the attempt to accommodate family and friends. A time be in a mad rush to satisfy all the expectations brought on by everyone around you. The time of the year that brings the culture pressure to participate in all of the Americanized traditions of Thanksgiving and Christmas. No wonder there our more predetermined binge drinking nights sandwiched around the holiday season. Lord knows I participate in my fair share. The Wednesday night before Thanksgiving is a popular one where family members and friends get "liquor upped" in preparation for the all day events of food, watching football and dealing with family that are rarely seen or dealt with that seemingly have an option about everything. Now, please hear some of my sarcasm. I know this is not everyones experience with the holidays and I know there are some truly good memories surrounded around the holidays. Additionally, I am not against the holiday season; however, there are some real struggles of interruption for those who struggle with addictions and emotional triggers during these holiday seasons.
Each year I am reminded about the real pressure and triggering events associated with the holidays that results in relapses and binges. Especially pornography but alcohol and drugs or even food can be throw in that as well. No matter the age or life stage; whether you are single or have a family; the triggers of the holidays slap us all in the face in one way or another if we aren't prepared. I walk men through a various of exercises while building a life that supports sexual integrity one of which is foundational: identifying triggers. Recovery is impossible without identifying the triggers that results in the urges and unwanted desires associated with "acting out" (IE: looking at porn or masturbation; getting drunk, over eating). For the context of pornography addiction or unwanted sexual desires the trigger categories consist of: sexual triggers, emotional triggers and non-sexual environmental triggers. In my experience both in my own recover and with those I have mentored, triggers are essential to the recovery process and act as a organically growing resource for the individual as life changes.
The next step of identifying triggers is coming up with healthy, realistic responses to those triggers. For example, if your sexual trigger is walking in the mall by Victoria Secret; your healthy realistic response would be to either avoid the mall all together or if you have to go to the mall then predetermine a route that avoids Victoria Secret. Another one would be if sexual scenes or sexual language are triggers in movies or TV sitcoms, then the response would be to research the movie or TV sitcom before making a decision (FYI, Plugged In Online is an awesome resource for this). An example of a emotional trigger would be the emotion of loneness and an example of a non-sexual environmental trigger would be a time of night or atmosphere of a room. In which the responses would include predetermining a person that can be called upon in those lonely times and making some environmental and cosmetic changes to room. Triggers are surface level at first but the idea is to continue to dig deeper and as the surface level triggers become second nature to respond to them in a healthy and realistic manner it opens up the opportunity to tackle the deeper, more intense triggers. This is were the deeper elements of addictions are brought out, where root issues are discovered, where brokenness and hurt is dealt with.
Triggers and responses are a great tool and a great daily practice for those struggling with addictions. These practices work amazingly in our normal routine because we build our healthy response around our daily routines, interactions and normal interruptions. But how do we handle major interruptions like... Thanksgiving or Christmas? You build a battle plan. We don't like to think about the holidays as a battle but it is a battle of the mind when a person struggles with addictions or is in active recovery and is bombarded with triggers all at once. Build a battle plan. What's this look like? Well, it looks a lot like a battle plan for war. Here are a few guidelines:
- Prepare for the unknown - Depending on the situation, stage of recovery, family and life stage prepare for what could happen. Just like in battle things change, things happen. For example: if you are traveling a long distance you could have a flat tire or car issues; if you are traveling with a car full of kids there could be a child who throws up in the car; traffic; road closures; if you are in marriage the tension of preparing for holidays usually causes some "healthy" banter.... This is an excellent time to grab your spouse hand if your are married and pray over the trip, holiday, kids and whatever happens. If you are single, take time to pray with a friend or mentor to prepare and gain insight.
- Develop Realistic Expectations - We all have expectations of how situations should go or how we will experience them; however, our expectations usually our far different then the reality. Therefore take some time to ask God in pray about expectations of the event.
- Retreat, hide or withdraw when needed - Lets be honest for a moment... a lot of the holiday season for most of use is forced. We are forced into holiday parties, family gatherings and events that if some of us are honest throw us into complete oblivion. Don't be afraid to retreat, hide or withdraw. Now I am not saying to sit on the steps outside the house until its time to leave but what I am saying is to be free. If someone says something that throws you into a trigger, or you feel an emotion building up, or someone offends you or challenges you - take a retreat. The best military leaders of our time were strategic in knowing when they needed to retreat, come up with a new strategy and get back on the battle field. This is were battle verses come into place, Romans, Proverbs, Galatians....
- Predetermine an escape plan - Determine when you are going to leave the situation. Write down a time to leave and stick to it. This is were boundaries are really important. If you are married with kids, predetermine how the kids will be watched and when to get them ready to go. Prepare your kids as well. Also if the situation gets be to much, then retreat and come up with a plan to escape. This doesn't have to be super weird or awkward; it just needs to be work for you. Remember it is your journey, your life and you ability to escape a situation that can potentially throw you into relapse and binging.
In 2 Corinthians 10 there is a statement that the Apostle Paul says that is used in sermons and debates a lot but still the simplistic notation is usually missed. In verse five he states, "We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ..." What is the holiday season but one lofty opinion after another when it comes to how we are living our lives; judgement comes from all sorts of channels. But no matter what channel that lofty opinion comes from Paul is reminding us to take every thought captive. Build a battle plan for your holiday season and I guaranty you will find more joy in the holidays. The whole context of 2 Corinthians 10 is Paul defending the ministry - but to defend our ministry we must have a battle plan that is effective, life giving and diligent. On that note - have a Happy Thanksgiving and a Merry Christmas.
If you have any questions about this post please feel free to email me at gerald@bebravebefree.org.
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